This is a bit of a personal one for me as I never like to think or admit that I’m failing, but well world, I think I’m failing at life at the moment. Now, I know that sounds a bit dramatic but I really feel like everything is coming crashing down around my ears.
Let me be clear, this isn’t related to my marriage or friends, but more focused on career and how I’m not the ‘girl boss’ I thought I’d be and how I don’t think I’ll ever be one.
I’ll take you back a bit to March of this year, I left my PR agency job where I’d been for four years and made my way up to account director. Looking back now, I worked on some amazing clients with some really fabulous people. But, for one reason or another I decided to go it alone and freelance.
I had visions of girl bossing at life, nailing work whilst having that amazing work life balance we all dream about. But six months in and I’m 100% not girl bossing at anything. If anything I’m finding myself feeling lonelier and isolated every day that I’m working from home.
All the things I thought I hated about working in an office and agency life, I actually really miss. I live out in Essex and have commuted into London for the duration of my 11 year career, don’t get me wrong I still dislike train delays but I actually miss the travel into London in the morning then, leaving it all behind at the end of the day. I miss the routine of getting up at the crack of doom, standing on the cold station platform waiting for the train to whisk me into the world of work. Looking back it gave my daily life structure, I knew what I was doing every day and had my time all planned out.
Working from home doesn’t give me that structure, although I do make sure I get up and dressed in the morning like I’d be going into an office, but in reality all I do is go into the next room into my ‘office’. There never seems to be a switch off button, work and home life have started to blend into one rather than being in their separate boxes.
I miss the banter with colleagues and the coming together under pressure to get a project or pitch completed in time. I actually miss the pressure, working from home and freelancing comes with a different type of pressure but it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me as being in an office did.
I just don’t think I’m designed to be that ‘girl boss’ everyone talks about online. How do I know this? Well here are my five tell-tale signs I’ve identified:
- I crave the routine of ‘going to work’ – when I say this I mean I actually miss the alarm going off and physically having to get up and leave the house, similarly at the end of the day I miss the feeling of shutting the door on the office
- I miss office banter – PR is a creative industry and brainstorming ideas on your own is tough, I miss being able to bounce my crazy ideas off my colleagues and actually formulating them into something which could really work
- I’ve started talking to Nigel and expecting a reply – just to be clear Nigel is our cat and he’s not very talkative!
- I’m not embracing my ‘freedom’ – basically I feel guilty if I’m away from my desk even just for an hour to go to the gym. Totally ridiculous I know because the whole idea of being a Girlboss is being able to be flexible and make work fit in with life rather than the other way round. (Insert eye rolls here!)
- Bills, now that winter has arrived like the second coming I’m finding myself having to put the heating on during the day. Which I do resent doing purely because of the cost, I’ve taken to walking round my house wearing a blanket like a superhero cape and not even a good superhero!
I’d love to be at a stage with this blog that I’m working with amazing brands on really cool collaborations but there are so many incredible influencers out there, I just don’t believe I’d ever be up to par.
And career wise, well what next? That’s the million dollar question to myself. And, you know what, I don’t actually know? I’ve been in PR for over 11 years and still love it immensely, so that’s where my heart lies, but I think I need to be back in an office with people to draw on their creativity and join in with the banter.
I realise this is a bit of a long ramble, but I do feel better for getting it off my chest. Do you ever feel like things just aren’t clicking into place?